Adoption Book Giveaway: "Love Me, Feed Me: The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Ending the Worry About Weight, Picky Eating, Power Struggles and More" by Katja Rowell, MD

I was eager to receive the copy I ordered of Love Me, Feed Me: The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Ending the Worry About Weight, Picky Eating, Power Struggles and More (aff) by Katja Rowell, M.D., when it was finally released last month. I've been following feeding specialist Dr. Rowell's blog and tweets for a while, and have found her approach to the parent-child feeding relationship so sane that it almost seems insane. I knew I'd like the book but I didn't know I would literally read it cover-to-cover (all 354 pages!) in 24 hours. And I certainly didn't know it would seriously challenge me to think about what my actions and words are teaching my children about food and eating and weight.

Parents I know who have children adopted from foster care and orphanages deal are parenting kids with food/feeding issues such as:

• Slow growth / failure to thrive, sometimes leading to feeding tube placement
• Difficulty transitioning from formula to solid food
• Picky/selective eating
• Sensory issues including texture aversions
• Malnutrition
• Underweight and overweight
• Vitamin deficiencies
• Anemia
• Food hoarding
• Meltdowns at meal time and other difficult behaviors
• Bingeing
• Control issues regarding food
• Oral motor and other physical feeding challenges

This book deals with all of these issues, and more. It focuses on trusting children's ability to learn to self-regulate around food and rejecting the common approaches of coercion, game-playing, force-feeding, guilt trips, pressure and bribery that many of us use to get our children to eat more of what we consider healthy foods. Dr. Rowell's book really turns everything you think you know about feeding picky, overweight, underweight, vegetable-hating, malnourished or even totally average children on its head. It forces you to rethink your own relationship to food and all your beliefs about whether or not children can be trusted to choose what foods they wish to eat and still get their nutritional needs met. It may even go against advice given to you by your dietitian, doctor or speech therapist. But, as many adoptive and non-adoptive parents can attest, it is a proven method that works for so many families. Dr. Rowell has seen this non-coercive, low-pressure, shame-free approach to eating help even children with severe feeding issues thrive and learn to be "competent eaters."

Love Me, Feed Me reflects the authors' familiarity with the issues of foster and adopted childrens from backgrounds of abuse, neglect or institutionalization. She goes over adoption-specific issues such as the cultural differences in feeding practices that may challenge your internationally adopted child when they arrive in your home, the transition diet to help a child get accustomed to a very different diet in your home than what they experienced in a foster home or orphanage, dealing with malnutrition, food hoarding, and more.

You will learn from this book how dysfunctional and emotionally fraught many adults' relationship with food is, and how we pass this on to our children unintentionally... especially if they are "picky eaters" or are "overweight". However, the book spends a lot of time showing us how to break this cycle and get out of thinking of foods as "good" or "bad" in favor of a balanced and healthy relationship with our bodies (at any size) and with foods. It's a book about the feeding relationship between parent and child, a relationship which is an important part of attachment for an adopted child.

What's that you say? You want me to cut the chase and get to the giveaway? Fine, then. Here you are: Dr. Rowell has generously offered two autographed copies of the book to give to my readers! There are a number of ways to enter below.

Whether or not you're entering the giveaway, please be sure to leave a comment with your adoption- and foster-related feeding and food related questions for Dr. Rowell to answer in the upcoming Q&A she's generously offered to do here at Fostering Thrifty Families.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

NOTE: This giveaway is only open to residents of the U.S. and Canada. 

BPA-Free Childrens' Divided Plates & Food Storage - Limited Time Offer

Boy oh boy do I love these Kinderville products! Zulily is currently having a (limited time) flash sale on Kinderville BPA-free divided plates, food storage, bibs, cups and more. The products start at $5.99. According to the website, "Kinderville was founded by parents who had difficulty finding toxin-free ways to serve and store their daughter's food. Now that they've done all the hard work, every family can enjoy these products knowing that they're free of BPA, phthalates, and lead. All are safe to use in the dishwasher, freezer and microwave as well. Kinderville products are made of high-grade silicone, which is a safe, durable and pliable rubber-like material. It's great for food storage because it's hygienic, hypoallergenic and resistant to bacteria. Plus it doesn't contain any toxic chemicals, nor does it react with food or beverages. You'll also love how easy it is to clean. From plates to jars and ice-treat molds, Kinderville helps families stock kitchens with everything little ones need (or simply want!) to make snack time safe, colorful and simple."

You can order (or join the members-only Zulily site, free of charge) here (aff), for a limited time only. Check out the rest of the sales, too.

An Important Update on Efforts to Save the Adoption Tax Credit

Here's some news on a significant issue that's close to the hearts of both foster-adoptive parents and parents who are adopting domestically or internationally, as well as all of us who hope to adopt in the next few years. You may have heard about the fact that the Adoption Tax Credit expires at the end of 2012, meaning that if no new bill is passed people who adopt in the future will receive no tax credit. Although the new bills to extend the tax credit beyond 2012 (HR 4373 and S 3616) now have a list of sponsors, there have been rumors and concerns circulating regarding whether these bills will be sacrificed for political reasons as election day approaches.

An online campaign called Save the Adoption Tax Credit issued the following statement today in response to these concerns:

Many of you have been asking about what will happen with HR 4373 and S 3616 now that Congress is out of session. We expect that Congress will consider extending and enhancing the adoption tax credit as part of broader tax reform negotiations that take place after the November election. It is unlikely that there will be votes on these individual bills. It is still very important for you to ask your Representative to co-sponsor HR 4373 and both your Senators to co-sponsor S 3616. The more support these bills have—meaning the more members of Congress hear from their constituents and understand the importance of extending the adoption tax credit and making it refundable—the better chance that a refundable adoption tax credit will be included in the final tax package agreed upon by Congress. For more information about the adoption credit and the legislative process, see http://adoptiontaxcredit.org/faqs

What's most important right now is that you voice your support for this bill with your own Representatives and Senators. If they are not already sponsoring these bills, please ask that they do.

You can track the progress of HR 4373 here (and click on "Take a Position" to contact your Representatives).

You can track the progress of S 3616 here (and click on "Take a Position" to contact your Senators.)

Don't be discouraged that the GovTrack site shows a low chance of these bills passing - If enough support is shown, these bills may be incorporated into a larger tax package. What's important right now is not that these individual bills pass but that the tax credit is included in some type of legislation that passes in Congress. E-mailing and calling your elected officials on these specific bills is the best way to show them how important this issue is to Americans who may not be able to afford to adopt without this tax credit.

Please make sure to mention the following key points:

• The credit should be refundable so that low and middle income Americans can benefit from it, not just wealthier families with more tax liability who can use the non-refundable credit. The tax credit should be focused on supporting adoption by working and middle class Americans who most need the financial help to make adoption a reality.
• The credit should be permanent, and made part of the tax code rather than being at the whim of politicians.

More "talking points" can be found on the Save the Adoption Tax Credit site. Consider "liking" their page on Facebook.

Our Foster/Adoption Financial Story: Rita's Family

This post is part of our new guest blogger series, "Our Foster Adoption Financial Story." As new posts are added to this series you will be able to find links to them at the bottom of this post.

RITA'S STORY

We became foster parents in September 2009.  At the time I was a nanny and I was able to bring our foster son (16 months at the time) with me to work.  However, he had a lot of issues as foster kids tend to.  In particular, he had post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and an attachment disorder and many developmental delays.  By the end of that spring, I was asked not to bring our son to work anymore.

We felt that our son would not do well in day care since it was important to build attachment with him, so I chose to stay home with him.  It was actually the best decision for him and once we began staying home and cut back on his plethora of visitations and appointments and let him "just be a kid," much of his aggression was gone.  I left work and became a "therapist/doctor mom" trying to help my child heal.

However, living on one income in the pricy D.C. area is not easy.  We cut back on everything we could and did what we could but we still are facing foreclosure.  Our only hope right now is to find a job in a different part of the country where housing is cheaper or move into the basement of my parents home.

Regrets? No. To help our son, I would stay home all over again for him.  He needed me.  We are now thinking he may need to be homeschooled, too.  Currently we have a special ed preschool that is funded by MA that we are hoping will help him (he is still socially/emotionally delayed).  That gives me 3 hours a day to so something to make money... but what can I do?  I've also thought of doing afterschool baby sitting, but we're not sure if our son can handle that either.  It's a tricky situation due to his needs.

My husband and I suffered infertility and 3 failed IVF's and chose to foster-to-adopt since we thought we could help more kids this way... Ironically, our son is the only one we have fostered so far.  I was a teacher for almost 10 years prior to that and have a Master's degree in education. You would think I could find SOME kind of job, but it's tricky with a child who is special needs and requires me to be there 24/7, and it's not like we can afford a baby sitter anyway.

This is also putting a huge strain on our marriage... we have been married for 17 years this summer but 14 of those years were child-free.  Suddenly we had a 16 month old child who is pretty much feral and needs me to be with him 24/7 so he can get the help kids with reactive attachment disorder (RAD) so badly need in attaching to a caregiver so they can function in life! Seriously, this kid never slept through the night or alone until about 4 months ago (at the age of four).  Even now, we are up/down with him or need to crawl in bed with him most nights.  I tried to do so much of it on my own that I got burnt out and any chance that my husband could get a second job went out the window because I needed a break!  It is very, very difficult to be alone all day with a child who has PTSD, attachment issues and developmental delays.  It can be even harder to go out in public!  For a long time the grocery store had to be a planned event or I would go in the middle of the night when my husband came home.  There were too many people and too many noises and things to look at for our son and he would freak out.

Before our son, before fostering, we were just average Joes who went to the beach every summer and had cook outs on the deck.  I worked, my husband worked.  We had friends and family and belonged to a church (my son can't handle church either).  When you get kicked out of Sunday School so many times, and preschool as well... you know you have to stay home with your child.

Our son is now four and things are a bit better, although we still have to follow a very structured schedule or he's thrown for a loop and the behaviors come out.  However, the financial damage is done.  Will it ruin  us? No.  But it sure did set us back a few pegs, and we don't feel like we can share our financial situation with friends and family.  All that said, for us it was well worth the financial setbacks in order to see our son's progress and know in our hearts we did what was best for him, even if that meant to sacrifice a few things.  He deserved it!

Bio: Rita lives in the Washington, DC, area with her husband and 4 year old son who was adopted through foster care. Her husband works at a radio station. Rita has a Master's degree in education but is currently a stay-at-home mom to her special needs son.

Our Foster/Adoption Financial Story: Sofia's Family

This post is part of our new guest blogger series, "Our Foster Adoption Financial Story." As new posts are added to this series you will be able to find links to them at the bottom of this post.

SOFIA'S STORY

In February three frightened little kids arrived on my doorstep. In the past four months I’ve watched them blossom into happy, healthy kids, but it has been a bumpy road getting here. I would like to say that my experience with Department of Youth and Family Services (DYFS) has been a good one, but largely it has been difficult and messy.

As a family friend I was able to take custody of the children almost immediately based on a presumption of eligibility. In other words, as long as I could pass a background check and demonstrate that I had enough room in my home, DYFS would let the kids move in right away and I would go through the training and the home study process after they were already in my care. While this is a great thing for the kids, the newly minted foster parent finds themselves suddenly expected to function as part of a system they know nothing about yet.

Here are some examples of things I wish I’d known sooner:

• The monthly stipend a foster parent receives doesn’t kick-in until month #2 (as in, after I had already spent my entire monthly budget buying a crib, car seats, clothes, toys, diapers and daycare).
• DYFS has handbooks and tons of pamphlets, publications and training materials– I only wish they wouldn’t have waited until PRIDE trainings* (three months after the kids arrived) to give them to me!

If I could give advice to another kinship foster caregiver as they embark on their journey it would be this:

• Ask if you can get the handbook and training materials used in PRIDE as soon as you get the kids, if not sooner.
• Be prepared for lots of conflicting emotions and have a plan in place for dealing with them. As family or friends, we often have lots of complicated feelings to work through about what has happened that regular foster parents don’t have to deal with, everything from anger, to grief to resentment, all of which can affect not only our mental health and our family relationships, but our parenting as well.
• Network with other foster parents as soon as possible, they will be an invaluable source of advice and moral support.
• Ask lots of questions about what your expenses are covered, how the stipend is calculated and what other financial assistance might be available, either through your agency or other county resources.

If you are a single-parent, like me, and funds are always tight, try the following:

• Get a chest freezer, either full or half sized for your basement, or quarter sized for your kitchen. I bought mine new, but you can look for used on Craigslist or Freecycle.
• Shop and cook in bulk for said freezer. I take one Saturday a month to make a couple batches of pizza dough, meatballs, chicken cutlets and casseroles to freeze.
• Cooking ahead buys me precious down time on those busy weeknights when I’m too tired to cook without having to blow extra money on takeout. I even freeze half gallon cartons of milk so I’m never stuck having to get three kids into the car for an unexpected run to the corner store.
• Keep a running grocery list hanging on the side of the fridge, then do one huge shop each month, preferably online. Shopping online really helps me stick to my list, save time and avoid impulse spending. I consider the $20 fee to have it delivered to my home to be money well spent.

The future outcome for my kids and their parents continues to be a defined by a question mark, so for now, we are all just taking things day-by-day. During the difficult moments I take comfort in knowing that my kids are with me, somebody they have known their whole lives, and that being here has helped them to feel as safe and secure as they possibly can during this difficult time in their young lives.

Bio: Sofia is a Central NJ single mom, writer, and graphic designer happy to be cruising through life in an 18 year old Honda. 

*Note: Many states use the PRIDE curriculum for training, while others use MAPP or other curricula.

Survey for Foster Parents of Adolescents

The National Foster Parent Association is doing an important study on fostering adolescents. They have found a real lack of existing research on the experiences of foster parents of teens, especially as it relates to mental health and substance abuse. This study, conducted by an independent research firm, aims at collecting information about this demographic. If you've fostered non-relative children ages 12-18, now or in the past, please click here for information about the survey. You will be paid $35 for your time if you qualify.

"Our Foster/Adoption Financial Story": Jerri's Family

This post is part of our new guest blogger series, "Our Foster Adoption Financial Story." As new posts are added to this series you will be able to find links to them at the bottom of this post.

JERRI'S STORY

My name is Jerri, I am 45 yrs old and a stay at home mom. My husband and I have fostered numerous children, have had 3 failed adoptions, 2 successful adoptions and are in the middle of adopting a little boy with special needs from out of state.

My husband is 56 yrs old and is a Quality Assurance/Safety Manager of a small local business with an annual income of $40,000, I use to do interior design and make approximately $45,000 a year but since adopting our children I have been out of the work force for the past 10yrs. We are very fortunate that I have been able to do this but only because of our children's adoption subsidy.

Our children need 24/7 supervision, they will never be able to care for themselves financially and will always be dependent on someone else to care for them in life. My son is 17 yrs old has down syndrome and some minor health concerns, he receives a monthly SSI check that ranges from $321.00-$721.00 a month depending on what my husband makes in a week. My daughter is 7 yrs old and is Autistic and has fetal Alcohol syndrome, her monthly adoption subsidy ranges between $1700 and $1800 a month.

On average I spend 20+ hrs a week taking the children to music therapy, play therapy, occupational therapy, nutritionist and school meetings. That does not include at least 2 doctor appointments a month. This month alone my son was out of school for 2 weeks with asthma complications. If I had to have respite while I was at work it would have cost me $18 an hour. On top of that we would be struggling with severe behaviors because my son suffers from PTSD and the stress of his daily routine being different triggers his behaviors.

Over the years that we have been working with the system, there have been times that we have struggled financially. It is not always easy. Plus, when adopting a child in care that is not living with you all expenses are at your own risk. The little boy that we are in the middle of adopting at this point is still in a foster home in his state and so far in the past 6 months we have spent $3300 in travel expenses, extra food, diapers and clothing. If the adoption goes through we will be reimbursed $1200, if not we will have not only had our hearts broken once again but will be out quite a chunk from our annual income.